Decoding Conflict with Dr. Patricia Timerman

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[SPEAKER_00]: Listen, there's a randomness of nothing but that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: This is a very personalized episode that we're airing today.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I think it's very important that you always check on your mental well-being and your interaction with others because ultimately we have to share this space with each other.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes the number one thing that can hinder ourselves is how we communicate.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And this is an expert communicator that we have on this show.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Dr. T, Dr. Timmerman from Miami, you know, who gives personalized care, who is a licensed therapist, and is an alternate

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[SPEAKER_00]: author, podcast, or what doesn't this woman do.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And she's going to give all the insights and tips.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, why are we fighting?

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[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to give those beautiful insights and action steps.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And you can take when it comes to effective communication and being the best person you can be.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you, ma'am.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Ah, thank you so much for having me here.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm very much appreciative.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, we got past my botched channel under.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I can breathe a little easier now.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So thank you for that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Please, let's share your life story.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, let me just say like when you talk about like the calendar being able to breathe easier, there's something about sometimes we are so the anticipation of what we're going to say and the outcome stops us from saying anything at all and the fact that you just went for it and say, hey, do you have availability at this time?

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, yeah, that's absolutely fine.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And you know, here's like

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's an amazing, you get apprehensive as an adult, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you tell your kids, or if you don't have them, you tell younger people, don't be nervous.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Don't, if they don't decide when it's in your lap, you're like, you know, I got it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: How do I massage this as an adult, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, absolutely, if we talk about like being depression or anxiety, the hallmark of depression is like isolation.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It'll, and one is heaviness, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: I usually tell my clients the way that I speak about depression is this

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[SPEAKER_01]: five hundred pound invisible blanket that's on top of you and everything that you do you're walking around heavier and then all the intrusive thoughts that come of why is it that everybody else seems to be doing everything effortlessly and for me it's so difficult is all of those thoughts are the extra pounds that we add to letting visible blanket.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, right.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Hence there is a new work on the physiology and the psychology of it but with anxiety is anticipatory thinking.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, and it really is, and it'll make you gain weight.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It'll make you get sick and you start losing your hair.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like it's so, it's a step-by-step process that it happens to people, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: You may not see it overnight, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, what you start looking at that scale and you start fooling yourself, like, I really gain that weight, but then next, you know, like the clothes don't fit, so to speak, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: And it can come in different ways.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It can come from professional, it can come from personal, it can come from your career.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So there are different elements that can be involved in your life.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely, and there's when we talk about communication is not only with others, but with ourselves too, how intentional are we in the way that we talk to ourselves about ourselves?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I like the idea of a call it a cognitive balance if you're going to be your worst enemy, make sure you're also your own best friend.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So don't finish.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, when you're downloading something, there's like that little loose that like closes.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Right, the intrusive thoughts, they are evolentary.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I did not start bashing myself all of a sudden.

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[SPEAKER_01]: If evolentary it comes, make sure that when it closes, it closes with a voluntary thought.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So you start as your worst enemy, you end as your own best friend.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I thought, you know, and we'll pivot because I think that, you know, and these are lessons that sometimes have to be told to you because, you know, you can get in your own head, but then hearing it from you, you're like, yeah, that makes sense.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes people just generally need somebody licensed to talk to because you're not going to get these answers just doom scrolling on Facebook or social media, like you need to actually sit down with somebody licensed professional who can handle the things that you're talking about or thinking of.

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[SPEAKER_01]: What I love, even in going back to the IAP model, right into the book, when I say, why are we fighting and the sub-title is actionable strategies for effective communication?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And as you read through or listen to it, because it's also an audible now.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You're listening for the strategy that we talk about or even and I'll go through the IEP theory itself It sounds so easy.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You're like, how did I not think about this before, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: But that's think about like walking.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You don't think how you walk.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You just walk.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So there are certain things that we just do because we do like I don't necessarily think about or didn't before now I do how I communicate and how is it that the way that I say things or it can be can be received differently being tone of voice being language Like I'm not a read between the lines person, but I have people who are we in the lines people and even though there are no lines to read between what I am saying it's still read

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I have no idea what to be read, you know what I mean?

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[SPEAKER_00]: For sure, for sure.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and I thought, and we can segue right into that because I thought it was very powerful when I went to your website, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: And it was like, not all actions have universal meeting, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: So like you gave the example, the couple Laura and John, like Laura walks away because they're having a disagreement.

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[SPEAKER_00]: and her thought was, well, if he wants me, no follow me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And his response thought process is that, well, she just needs space.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And it can be flip-flop, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we don't always, you know, but irrespective of that situation.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, they're like, you dummy, I want to do to come comfort me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then they think, you know, the man in this situation is like, well, you walked away like, I was like, what, you want me to, like, what did you want me to do?

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know,

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[SPEAKER_00]: It is, it's, you know, I just lead to a completely cataclysmic situation from something like that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: For sure, no, I have to say, I was Laura, and John was lovey.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I can't help it.

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[UNKNOWN]: I'm done.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, this was one of the first times that I started to become very aware of the relationship between intention, action, and perception, because my action was to walk away when we were fighting which I had done in past relationships and he had in work, right, because I would walk away and I would wait, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm,

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then as a lady, I'm like, I can't believe that he and all those intrusive thoughts kind of like come in here.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And with my partner, it was the first time.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, this happened what we've been together almost 15 years.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So maybe like 10 years ago.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And this time, like, I don't know what it was that made him come outside and I got to explain to him what my expectation was, and I came from a space of curiosity in understanding how come he behaved as he did.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And the thing is about it is that it's not, you should never assume how something is going to go based upon how somebody else sees, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: And it's really strange because the human behavior works in very mysterious ways.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, this is how I've always approached myself.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I can't cook, bake, make or create.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But I can usually read people.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But if there is one thing that I kind of have, like, I can shake your hand and I'm like, you really don't like me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm cool with that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: or like I'm being totally honest, like the one thing I have is I can tell if I'm not going to get along with somebody really quick, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: So like I can tell I can contact, I can tell the way the shoulders, I can tell whether they're looking past me or to me, I'm like, okay, well, you know, and it is what it is, I'm a grown man, I'm not going to cry about it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But those things, I can subtly really read between the lines, which is why I love doing the show because I get to keep that circle of people that want to talk to me, you know,

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I appreciate that right one thing that and I don't know if you've experienced that, but even as I It's the first time actually that I think about that with Lauren Jones example is that when you talk to your people that see things you're a way to like yeah I can't believe that he didn't follow you like it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's so like you know what I mean Which eggs you all even more and really takes the idea that there's

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[SPEAKER_01]: a different way of looking at the painting and he probably goes to his people and they're like, why did she leave the room?

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's right.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and the thing is about it is, you know, even as a father, you know, three daughters, I had to, when they want to, you know, then one of them, the oldest one's 12, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: So like, you know, when she's like dad, I'm not really feeling you at the moment.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You gotta like, take everything in your mind to be like, you know what?

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[SPEAKER_00]: The best thing I can do right now is shut.

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[SPEAKER_00]: The absolute best, even if I'm right, even if I know that you're not listening, I may need to shut up.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then like 15 minutes later, you're having a normal conversation.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Because you curb your worst impulses to say what, to keep going, be like, and then you're like, you know what?

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just going.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's the power of pausing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my gosh.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, it's hard.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's hard.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's very hard.

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[SPEAKER_01]: One of the things that I love about the IEP, again, like intention, action perceptions, is that it really gets you in the book.

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[SPEAKER_01]: If you're listening or if you're reading to it, it talks a lot about self-awareness.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Understand, how come I see the world the way in which I do?

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[SPEAKER_01]: how come I react to things in the way that I do?

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[SPEAKER_01]: What triggers me?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Does the trigger precede this relationship?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Or is it because of the relationship?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Is my reaction proportionate or disproportionate?

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[SPEAKER_01]: So what is going on?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Let me put that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You are a good doctor.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I almost did not say that I had not plugged the charger, which I just did.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Can you

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[SPEAKER_00]: is done.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I know.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, okay.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So as we start to learn more about ourselves and understand that maybe we don't necessarily know how other people react or what it's triggering them, it allows us to respond, which is the pause, as opposed to react, which is that visceral

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm glad that I was talking to and she heard her partner say, like a half thing, something about like, oh, being alone or whatever, and then the immediate response was like a excessive remark back as opposed to kind of trying to understand that of curiosity, like, what did you say?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And it's just I believe that what you're going to say or what you're trying to say was this and so I respond to what I believe I'm receiving right and that's what I am actually with the short and I think that you know, I mean not to get too philosophical but.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Wars and disasters are in life for man-made created because of people took a very didn't communicate or take that 5 10 15 minute to really actually like you know what let me see what was really said in this exact same moment right let me find out like any you know you know whether you're a road raging whether you know and you you deal with you know people that have gone through very traumatic experiences and I'm sure I'm not just guessing here they would sit back and say it all happened so fast

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, it all happened so fast.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of just saying, you know what, I'm going to go to bed.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to take a nap.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to cool off.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It didn't because it didn't take that time period to really think about what was going to happen next.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, no.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I agree with that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So one of the things that I like to use whenever I'm working on someone is the concept of mantras.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So what I mean by mantra is the state of mind I want to be in.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So one of my matches, I was always very much all or nothing person, because the way that it wasn't that I intentionally thought all or nothing is just the way that I grew up is either you do it well or you don't do it at all.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So it's not like ingrained in my mind and I noticed that it was in serving me in all aspects of my life.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so I intentionally started using better

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[SPEAKER_01]: which serves me really well.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It will give me to like, I don't want to go to the gym at all, better something than them.

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[SPEAKER_01]: The queer clothes on, you know what I mean?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Like, yep, I my life is leading me to binge eat and now I eat to eat this whole thing because better something than them, better some control than no control at all.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I had a client that the mantra that she created for herself was eating that deep.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

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[SPEAKER_00]: really.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And because, yeah, so everything was very intense the way she would receive it was very intense.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so when she started saying that the it allowed her to identify like is my response proportionate or disproportionate to this.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm just talking about like a road rage and stuff like that can you talk to me for able to say eating that in a dead date Is that You know and you know and another on the flip side to it a more humorous manner like we've all played sports We've all been cheap if we don't care if it's chess right right even if it's not a physical contact sport

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[SPEAKER_00]: And you've been cheap shot it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You want to get your get back like, but it could be at the detriment of your team or you can get docked anybody's ever watched sports.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But usually don't get the first person that did it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's always the person that reacted that gets penalized, right, like in football, right, or in soccer.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's not the kid that got the yellow flag or it's comes to the kid that reacted or the person to the person that was antagonizing them.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So usually you get penalized because you responded because you sit back and say, what's the best way to get this person back?

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to either aid perform being take a moment to assess or I need to do more or the winning is the winning of the game is my get back.

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[SPEAKER_00]: The winning of the actual game is how I want and it's very hard like

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's very easy to say, okay, this guy hit me after the bell, pop him right away.

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[SPEAKER_00]: No, just, you know, it's, it takes patience and true mental, mental help to really actually strength to get to that point.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_01]: No, I agree.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's interesting because one of the things that I've noticed with myself, even in recent interactions where I,

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[SPEAKER_01]: learned my boundary and part of my boundary was like walking away from a relationship.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But it was me understanding that I, I am a sarcastic person.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I like sarcasm.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I like fun.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But it's not for the purpose of being sassy with someone.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's not passive aggressiveness.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, one thing that I realized, like there's so many remarks that could have responded.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But I don't.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Because even in receiving them, I'm like, see, I don't need it to go into a passive aggressive space anymore.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't serve a purpose in this space.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's funny because the shift that my way of being before, oh my God, I was great with the sesame.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I was great with the, you know, fast things, but it doesn't serve.

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[SPEAKER_00]: No, it doesn't.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, and so when you're giving, you know, and this talk about your services, when you're getting people to shift their mind state, like that's a hard thing because they're really bearing their soul, like, you know, because people have gone through some very traumatic experiences, right, you know,

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[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes they suffer silently so to speak, and then all of a sudden you start hearing, you're like, you can't be, you're serious, you went through that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I would never have known looking at you, and they come from all walks of life, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like they're not, you know, it could be somebody, you know, half a million dollar neighborhood or a commissarbody living in a, you know, not so great area.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's, it's really interesting to see because we,

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[SPEAKER_01]: our triggers, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: They are things that have caused some type of hurt working.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And our defense mechanisms exist as a way to help protect from the hurt and pain.

16:00.786 --> 16:03.466
[SPEAKER_01]: So walking away of that

16:07.628 --> 16:11.931
[SPEAKER_01]: There are so many different types of defense mechanisms.

16:12.271 --> 16:22.237
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when we are able to break through some of the defense mechanisms, I understand because I can understand that someone's response is proportionate to their life history.

16:22.557 --> 16:26.319
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just disproportionate this instance in time.

16:26.599 --> 16:30.742
[SPEAKER_01]: And I really adhere to the belief that I cannot know what I don't know.

16:31.062 --> 16:33.123
[SPEAKER_01]: the same way that you can't know what you don't know.

16:33.163 --> 16:33.904
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, right.

16:34.244 --> 16:37.806
[SPEAKER_01]: So, and when I don't know, I act on what I think I know.

16:38.086 --> 16:38.566
[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.

16:38.806 --> 16:46.771
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, and we start to create a narrative that may have nothing to do with the reason why the person reacting to the way that they did.

16:47.191 --> 16:55.674
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think to be able to give context, and allowing to be just to understand where I'm coming from, how come I'm reacting in this way, not too long ago.

16:56.894 --> 17:00.655
[SPEAKER_01]: One of the strategies of the IAP is I called into preamble.

17:01.035 --> 17:02.656
[SPEAKER_01]: There are two functions for the preamble.

17:02.956 --> 17:07.538
[SPEAKER_01]: The first function is when I tell you what I need from you, private to our conversation.

17:07.858 --> 17:10.759
[SPEAKER_01]: So let's say that I am venting about a problem.

17:11.099 --> 17:15.280
[SPEAKER_01]: If I just are venting to you about my problem, what do you tend to do in response?

17:16.186 --> 17:24.894
[SPEAKER_00]: It would be, you know, it would, it would, it would, I'd start rolling my eyes or try to change the conversation or like, you know, you know, if we knew each other well, then we can get to the root cause of it.

17:24.934 --> 17:28.918
[SPEAKER_00]: But for casual, you know, it's going to be like, listen, you know, I really don't want to hear that.

17:29.158 --> 17:34.403
[SPEAKER_01]: So you have the one and don't have the mental space at this moment to hear this, right?

17:34.783 --> 17:40.668
[SPEAKER_01]: Two, we tend to as we're listening to the person without knowing what they want, we're trying to figure out what is it that you want from this.

17:40.789 --> 17:41.049
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.

17:41.329 --> 17:41.489
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?

17:41.789 --> 17:50.516
[SPEAKER_01]: What I would notice a lot is that I would get like with my sister for example, she would solve my problem and then I would get defensive of all my problems, but I wasn't yet ready.

17:51.877 --> 17:53.538
[SPEAKER_01]: We just frustrating to everyone.

17:53.738 --> 17:53.979
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

17:54.079 --> 17:58.482
[SPEAKER_01]: So the preamble is that the first function is when I tell you, hey, we're shot.

17:58.942 --> 18:00.163
[SPEAKER_01]: I really want to vent.

18:00.524 --> 18:01.284
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm frustrated.

18:01.304 --> 18:03.065
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't even need to pay attention to me.

18:06.127 --> 18:34.534
[SPEAKER_01]: You might do that right now, right and you can say, hey, I don't have the mental space for it now Can we do it later, but it allows for that communication like I would do that with my husband I'm like you don't need to be a specialist, you know You think of the TV events is that okay, right right right one of the really cool things when I was doing This is when I observed my husband doing a preamble with a friend of ours And she had just like worked all day work is it age she had worked as they and she said something

18:34.674 --> 18:40.378
[SPEAKER_01]: about, I think he was Lord of the Rings or Star Wars, which, like, here, so he was gonna give a lesson.

18:40.398 --> 18:41.719
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, he's like, okay, I'm gonna say it.

18:42.119 --> 18:45.801
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, you don't need to pay attention.

18:46.142 --> 18:49.324
[SPEAKER_01]: And the moment he did that, I remember her going like this.

18:49.664 --> 18:51.405
[SPEAKER_01]: And look, what do you think?

18:51.745 --> 18:56.168
[SPEAKER_01]: He goes like this and she responds and engages.

18:56.468 --> 18:59.971
[SPEAKER_01]: And I paused them after that interaction, because I was a noob server.

19:00.111 --> 19:03.313
[SPEAKER_01]: And I said, what was about his preamble?

19:04.598 --> 19:12.781
[SPEAKER_01]: This is an interaction and she said when he told me I didn't have to pay attention I was like oh, thank goodness.

19:12.841 --> 19:21.605
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, and I just like lean my head But then I thought he was so interesting what he was saying that not having to pay attention Allow me to pay attention.

19:21.625 --> 19:25.307
[SPEAKER_00]: It's crazy Yeah, so it's almost like a disarmant, right?

19:25.727 --> 19:33.290
[SPEAKER_00]: So like you know like just so you know I'm pretty sure this little nugget of what that I'm gonna go on probably won't hold your attention the entire time

19:34.170 --> 19:37.131
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're cool, want to stay and listen, it's fine.

19:37.451 --> 19:44.093
[SPEAKER_00]: And you know what that does that puts you at ease when you start seeing the person looking at their watch, start texting, you're like, yeah, man, I told you.

19:44.454 --> 19:46.014
[SPEAKER_00]: So you're free to walk away at any time.

19:46.054 --> 19:48.635
[SPEAKER_00]: Then there's less awkwardness when they do walk away, right?

19:49.742 --> 19:50.643
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?

19:50.703 --> 19:58.991
[SPEAKER_01]: And so the second function of the three languages and all the literature common is when I tell you the intention by how I don't want to say before saying it.

19:59.011 --> 19:59.411
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.

19:59.591 --> 20:06.538
[SPEAKER_01]: Especially if I haven't really thought it through and I'm likely gonna use like so many words that are unfortunate.

20:06.618 --> 20:06.838
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

20:07.539 --> 20:07.739
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

20:09.131 --> 20:26.321
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I remember going to my husband not so long ago and I said my preamble is you cannot know what you don't know and so I want you to know what my intrusive thoughts have been so you understand that my response to like certain things right

20:27.221 --> 20:27.501
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

20:27.641 --> 20:33.947
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I, in doing that, it wasn't me directly say, well, these was my response.

20:34.127 --> 20:35.168
[SPEAKER_01]: It was no.

20:35.508 --> 20:38.631
[SPEAKER_01]: Let me let you into my head and what's going on.

20:38.911 --> 20:44.756
[SPEAKER_01]: So you have a more comprehensive understanding of what's happening.

20:44.996 --> 20:47.278
[SPEAKER_01]: And then he did a reverse free.

20:47.338 --> 20:49.981
[SPEAKER_01]: I wish you then ask the one feedback.

20:50.201 --> 20:51.182
[SPEAKER_01]: You're one response.

20:52.383 --> 20:59.990
[SPEAKER_00]: And then that opens up the dialogue and then there's more of a narrative and a conversation takes back and forth as opposed to somebody just looking like they're renting about something

21:00.589 --> 21:01.309
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no.

21:01.389 --> 21:04.010
[SPEAKER_00]: Now I have a question because you have bilingual services.

21:04.050 --> 21:05.210
[SPEAKER_00]: We never said the name in your company.

21:05.230 --> 21:06.550
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's advocate to create.

21:06.570 --> 21:10.851
[SPEAKER_00]: So I want to make clear that for the purpose like that I acknowledge the name of your services.

21:11.271 --> 21:13.032
[SPEAKER_00]: But you do Portuguese and Spanish.

21:13.092 --> 21:24.014
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you find communication is different across different languages and stuff like that where somebody would, I totally missed how that communication can be versus if it was in my native language.

21:24.474 --> 21:28.795
[SPEAKER_01]: So I mean, yes, there's an example of a couple

21:30.846 --> 21:44.003
[SPEAKER_01]: many years ago that comes to my mind where and I've shared this before and I think previous podcasts, but so the male spouse was born in a Latin country, remember which one.

21:44.413 --> 21:53.058
[SPEAKER_01]: and moved to the U.S., whereas the female spouse is the children of and speaks Spanish who itly but was born.

21:53.258 --> 22:01.083
[SPEAKER_01]: And when we went to do a couple session, the males spouse said, this is a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

22:01.483 --> 22:04.145
[SPEAKER_01]: And I saw your your face right there.

22:04.665 --> 22:05.726
[SPEAKER_01]: What's the cut with you?

22:06.006 --> 22:12.973
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's just like, you know, that's a deep cutting conversation to tell somebody to sacrifice some more of the Meg, like, what's next?

22:13.073 --> 22:20.400
[SPEAKER_01]: So far, her, the way that I understood, Dr. Kiesikov was at the edge of Fazil, like, in Portuguese, sorry, just like throughout the year.

22:20.801 --> 22:23.283
[SPEAKER_01]: Then connotation is not negative.

22:23.463 --> 22:26.707
[SPEAKER_01]: The connotation is like, does this something that I'm willing to make?

22:27.167 --> 22:42.501
[SPEAKER_01]: But the word itself, when he came out of his mouth and went into her ear, the word sacrifice had a negative connotation and her response was proportionate to that was like well, to me's an investment is not a sacrifice.

22:42.861 --> 22:46.985
[SPEAKER_01]: And in that moment is when I was like, that's why I say that I used to be the vocal translate.

22:47.546 --> 22:49.407
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm the vocal translate and I said,

22:50.148 --> 23:00.396
[SPEAKER_01]: What was your intention behind the word sacrifice and how did it land to you because those two were like, you know, it got me squimched through that.

23:00.456 --> 23:01.317
[SPEAKER_01]: Isn't that crazy?

23:01.397 --> 23:16.570
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, my intention was not to use a negative connotation towards sacrifice, but for you, it was like, yeah, I gave up what, you know, to be this with you and you're like, oh, I just meant that I was compromising like, you know, and it's the little one word that completely,

23:19.632 --> 23:26.674
[SPEAKER_01]: any shift so much because there are certain words that have significance to some people or connotations can be different.

23:26.794 --> 23:32.355
[SPEAKER_01]: The word, the word in English, agitator is a negative word that has a negative connotation.

23:32.835 --> 23:35.656
[SPEAKER_01]: Ado, important to Gaze is like, oh, you're exciting.

23:35.676 --> 23:41.697
[SPEAKER_01]: You're like, you know, have a lot of energy and my mother-in-law went to tell a friend that she's an agitator.

23:43.744 --> 23:49.148
[SPEAKER_01]: So I had to pause at that moment in time because I'm like two, like it means different.

23:49.188 --> 23:50.449
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my gosh, that's the letters.

23:50.469 --> 23:51.570
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's the same.

23:51.690 --> 23:52.631
[SPEAKER_00]: That is so funny.

23:52.671 --> 23:57.495
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I was just about to say, well, yeah, you know, yeah, I mean, if we've already be given to say, yeah, you kind of aren't actually, you know what I mean.

23:57.515 --> 23:59.517
[SPEAKER_00]: So, good boy.

23:59.657 --> 24:03.980
[SPEAKER_00]: But you've glad you said it and I didn't, because I was waiting to say it to you, you know what I mean?

24:04.220 --> 24:07.343
[SPEAKER_01]: And but even like I, so in the book,

24:08.114 --> 24:14.718
[SPEAKER_01]: My language barrier in relationship to my in-laws came about, even though we all speak Portuguese.

24:15.619 --> 24:17.640
[SPEAKER_01]: I grew up, so my parents were divorced.

24:17.740 --> 24:24.865
[SPEAKER_01]: My sister was five years older as kind of the one that the siblings got really close together and it was us against the world.

24:25.225 --> 24:28.487
[SPEAKER_01]: So we just learned to be very direct with each other.

24:28.507 --> 24:30.889
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I can be super direct with my sister.

24:30.909 --> 24:33.070
[SPEAKER_01]: She can be super direct with the stupidity.

24:33.090 --> 24:35.052
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't take it rudely, right?

24:35.072 --> 24:35.792
[SPEAKER_01]: We just take it.

24:36.172 --> 24:38.674
[SPEAKER_01]: But my father realized the son of a diplomat.

24:40.222 --> 24:46.107
[SPEAKER_01]: And so he's way of communicating or even my mother-in-law's and my husband's very different.

24:46.467 --> 24:52.913
[SPEAKER_01]: And my directness is received more as goodness, yeah, yeah, yeah.

24:53.193 --> 24:58.938
[SPEAKER_01]: And so even when we speak the same language, that doesn't necessarily mean we speak the same language.

24:58.958 --> 25:00.119
[SPEAKER_00]: It's right, right, right.

25:00.679 --> 25:14.308
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, so between my father and I, it's been so great because I said to him, I will work in softening my approach, but I also need to work on receiving what I say with us Dr.

25:14.348 --> 25:15.068
[SPEAKER_00]: Lens.

25:15.629 --> 25:17.030
[SPEAKER_01]: And there is reciprocity.

25:17.050 --> 25:19.731
[SPEAKER_01]: This is one thing about the IAP that is so important.

25:20.012 --> 25:24.374
[SPEAKER_01]: I cannot be 100% responsible for our communication.

25:24.614 --> 25:26.996
[SPEAKER_01]: The question has to be reciprocity.

25:27.555 --> 25:42.106
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and that's the thing like don't and I say this respect to leave anybody it's like I will soften my tone But at the same time if I'm telling you upfront that this is my intention prior to saying it Then that should be enough.

25:42.426 --> 25:47.190
[SPEAKER_00]: I you know because then at that point then I just sit back and then people just clam up You know anything to say it no

25:47.590 --> 26:01.810
[SPEAKER_00]: Because every time I say, you know, it happens all the time because every time I say something, you take it this type of different way and I'm not meaning that But this is just how many times you heard people you probably say well, this is just how I talk well, you know You know, it's like well, there's a balance to it.

26:01.890 --> 26:03.112
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a nice balance to it

26:03.276 --> 26:05.097
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I agree.

26:05.297 --> 26:11.359
[SPEAKER_01]: I think even in the pre-angual input, like that's not a green card for you to be a mean, so anyone.

26:11.679 --> 26:23.924
[SPEAKER_01]: But so let's say like if a person who talks to me speaks in a very aggressive way, and when we're talking, I understand that it's your passion, but I'm letting you know the way it's received, the way it lands, it's very aggressive.

26:24.224 --> 26:31.170
[SPEAKER_01]: In return, I will strive to receive that way of speaking as passion, but I also need you to be aware.

26:31.190 --> 26:32.111
[SPEAKER_01]: Of course.

26:32.271 --> 26:40.258
[SPEAKER_01]: And then if I am becoming defensive because I'm like, okay, I'm trying to think of it as passion, but it continues to be the exact same thing.

26:40.298 --> 26:45.102
[SPEAKER_01]: If there's no effort to shift, then it feels like there's no reciprocity.

26:45.122 --> 26:45.282
[SPEAKER_01]: Cool.

26:46.303 --> 27:03.878
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, for sure, you know, you can, you know, at some point, you know, you'll just be like, you know, I'm not sure how you thought you were talking towards me, but based on how I received this, it seemed like it, you know, it was pretty aggressive, you know, and, you know, you always say like, listen, I'm not overly sensitive, but for some reason the way you're talking to me is just, I'm not really feeling it.

27:03.938 --> 27:13.650
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, there is something to be said because I've experienced that a lot where the way that it's being delivered and the way I believe it's being delivered or different.

27:14.010 --> 27:22.861
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes I may not be aware of how affected I am, and so when I think I'm speaking softly, it's actually coming out as a book.

27:22.881 --> 27:23.222
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.

27:24.395 --> 27:24.676
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?

27:24.876 --> 27:30.882
[SPEAKER_01]: And the times in which that has happened, I've actually asked my husband to bring it up to my attention.

27:30.922 --> 27:33.144
[SPEAKER_01]: So I can become more aware in the moment.

27:33.464 --> 27:41.872
[SPEAKER_01]: Because sometimes, you know, when you climb up, somebody says something or just something in your entire body contracts, it affects your tone of voice.

27:41.932 --> 27:42.372
[SPEAKER_00]: Sure does.

27:42.452 --> 27:43.854
[SPEAKER_01]: And it affects your approach.

27:45.155 --> 28:00.604
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not always aware, and so with awareness convection, the more I become aware about this, that's why like you're when you talk about pausing when I pause and I'm able to deconstruct my body, my response with my comes out there.

28:00.864 --> 28:04.468
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and you know, and I, you know, I tell people this all the time, I think martial arts.

28:04.488 --> 28:10.876
[SPEAKER_00]: So like the worst thing you can do in martial arts, you know, I've gotten karate is if you get tagged to try to get to get back right away.

28:11.236 --> 28:13.879
[SPEAKER_00]: Because that's when you're going to get blasted in the face, right?

28:13.959 --> 28:16.422
[SPEAKER_00]: Because like, let's say, you know, you play, okay, that was a good shot.

28:16.883 --> 28:17.023
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh.

28:17.423 --> 28:22.608
[SPEAKER_00]: You have in that exact moment, whether you box or the rest of it, the match is still going.

28:22.788 --> 28:30.835
[SPEAKER_00]: Think about the long-term effect about what I'm trying to do in this short term to get my to get a hit back in, because the consequences can be catastrophic, right?

28:30.875 --> 28:37.321
[SPEAKER_00]: Because your anger and your mind hasn't put you in a place to absorb this, says, okay, it's a three minute round.

28:37.361 --> 28:38.602
[SPEAKER_00]: They hit me and min it into it.

28:39.022 --> 28:40.844
[SPEAKER_00]: I just have to do something in the next two minutes.

28:40.864 --> 28:42.845
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to get it back in the next five seconds.

28:43.066 --> 28:44.407
[SPEAKER_01]: So we did your research.

28:45.609 --> 28:47.633
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, the hobbies of blackmailing digits.

28:47.713 --> 28:48.114
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a blue.

28:48.154 --> 28:50.179
[SPEAKER_01]: I stayed at the blue and I haven't moved.

28:50.219 --> 28:51.903
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's a hard style.

28:51.923 --> 28:53.346
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a hard hard style.

28:54.307 --> 29:10.321
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a hard and one of the things that I applaud when I see him or I see other, you know, how your belt is the going with the Oh my gosh, when you try to go against it, 100% is when is when you get stuff when I get stuff is when I start thinking about what I want to do.

29:10.481 --> 29:15.426
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, when I just allow my body to do it, it goes a lot to move this.

29:15.968 --> 29:19.630
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, it's, it's, and people like, for people in this year, you know, jujitsu, right?

29:19.650 --> 29:24.472
[SPEAKER_00]: So I got my first dad's and jujitsu like four years ago, after doing years to take one dollar karate, right?

29:24.572 --> 29:29.335
[SPEAKER_00]: And for anybody who's transitioned from striking to grappling, it's like the most humbling experience in the planet, right?

29:29.355 --> 29:32.596
[SPEAKER_00]: Because nothing you do applies to that.

29:32.996 --> 29:36.218
[SPEAKER_00]: But with your teachable, right, because it's just a different style.

29:36.558 --> 29:40.420
[SPEAKER_00]: But the one thing when I started to get like I rolled with a lot of blue belts, and I'm still a white belt.

29:40.760 --> 29:48.323
[SPEAKER_00]: Once I calmed down, and I just, like, just to go, okay, and you started anticipating, and you would start saying, okay, I think this is going to happen.

29:48.663 --> 29:52.605
[SPEAKER_00]: Then it became harder for those guys to admit, listen, there, there got way more skill set than I did.

29:52.905 --> 29:54.945
[SPEAKER_00]: But to your point, it's like, okay, it's rolling this way.

29:55.145 --> 29:55.926
[SPEAKER_00]: I know how to fall.

29:56.326 --> 29:59.047
[SPEAKER_00]: I know how to put my hand up right away before I get shook.

29:59.127 --> 30:00.768
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm not, and then you're like, okay, what do you do?

30:01.188 --> 30:04.209
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I'm not stalling, but I'm thinking, I'm breathing.

30:04.549 --> 30:06.790
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I can make a move to get you off of me, and you're like,

30:07.250 --> 30:08.693
[SPEAKER_00]: Man, all I had to do was call it down.

30:08.834 --> 30:14.486
[SPEAKER_01]: But you know what's interesting, kind of going into the concept of JJ, so in it and I'm gonna... You're a f**k, f**k, f**k, f**k, f**k!

30:15.911 --> 30:28.463
[SPEAKER_01]: When I talk about our perception and then we communicate the way that we learn how to communicate our interactions with the world as well as the world's interaction to us, allow us to know what's to expect.

30:28.803 --> 30:38.512
[SPEAKER_01]: When I started Jiu Jitsu, I started a gym where I was the only girl or they were like one or two girls and the majority of the guys were happier than that.

30:38.512 --> 30:43.554
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I learned to do due to G2 in a slower way, right?

30:43.734 --> 30:48.356
[SPEAKER_01]: Being a costume with people who are bigger than me, to be in grappling with them.

30:48.396 --> 31:06.124
[SPEAKER_01]: So whenever I would go to a different gym and I would roll with a women, I remember my coach telling me, he's like, you roll like you're rolling with a 600 pound man as a pole like you're not fast, you're not like, because what I learned was this, I learned to roll in this way and go in slow,

31:07.465 --> 31:36.137
[SPEAKER_01]: that strength is not my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it's my aim, it

31:36.628 --> 31:53.625
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and the number one thing first is obviously, you know, there's that awkward moment where you're first going to room with people you don't know and then, you know, I'm of the belief that I don't want to say anything, you know, a fence, so I always try to, you know, air on the side of I don't ask you you voted for and I'm asking God you worship or don't worship because like those are the things that I think that.

31:53.965 --> 31:56.886
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, oh, you just had to ask that question, right?

31:56.906 --> 31:59.306
[SPEAKER_00]: So, no, listen, I'm not that dude.

31:59.426 --> 32:04.707
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I got bigger things to deal with in life to ask that hot button issue that I know makes people upset.

32:05.148 --> 32:09.208
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not, like, there's just no, there's no purpose in poking that bear.

32:10.409 --> 32:18.310
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I think that people who want to get to the next level of communication just because we're born and we learn how to talk doesn't mean we know how to communicate.

32:18.771 --> 32:20.491
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I mean, that's the difference.

32:21.495 --> 32:25.398
[SPEAKER_01]: will say like I'm very passionate about my politics, right?

32:25.739 --> 32:37.989
[SPEAKER_01]: I my umbrella is social justice, human rights, environmental justice and everything else comes kind of from there and it became of when you talk about like hot topics of

32:39.217 --> 32:48.266
[SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't yet able to manage my reactivity when talking with people whose beliefs were so distinct from mine.

32:48.787 --> 32:53.812
[SPEAKER_01]: So I would park and that was one of the things that I said, I can't yet manage.

32:54.132 --> 33:00.879
[SPEAKER_01]: But I remember when talking with somebody who's like a family member and close and we have different political views.

33:01.239 --> 33:18.920
[SPEAKER_01]: And at one point, I use reflecting, which is not, I didn't develop reflecting, but it is in the ID people because the sign and so reflecting is repeating what I heard you say and what I understood from what you said and giving you the opportunity to tell me if I understood you yet correctly or not right.

33:19.160 --> 33:43.799
[SPEAKER_01]: right and so when we were talking I was reflecting and I would repeat back to him what he said in what I understood and said he's that correct and I did that a couple of times and then when he was done I'm like okay now I'm gonna say my piece and I would like for you to reflect for me and his wife was like right there just listening to us and when I started saying he wanted to respond and I said before responding can you please reflect.

33:43.999 --> 33:48.684
[SPEAKER_01]: and he reflected, but he reflected on what he thought I was going to say.

33:49.005 --> 33:50.747
[SPEAKER_01]: And not on what I actually said.

33:50.887 --> 33:55.512
[SPEAKER_01]: And I remember his wife who looked at me and goes at him, she's like, wow, that's not what she said.

33:55.652 --> 33:56.633
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's amazing.

33:56.653 --> 34:04.602
[SPEAKER_01]: And a lot of the times when we are talking, I want to respond so much to what I believe you are going to say, because I'm not really going to listen.

34:05.182 --> 34:14.256
[SPEAKER_00]: I've already started my sentence before you finished yours, and then there also is in life, people who just want to troll you because they know they can trigger.

34:14.960 --> 34:15.220
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.

34:15.240 --> 34:23.105
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and those people exist, you can go on the internet and anybody who has 10 seconds to go online can find out they're like, you know what?

34:23.445 --> 34:25.166
[SPEAKER_00]: I know this makes Dr. T upset.

34:25.487 --> 34:27.948
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm maybe on our friends' list or somewhere down there.

34:28.288 --> 34:33.452
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just going to post this because I know that it'll show up on her feed and this is going to make you upset.

34:33.532 --> 34:41.897
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, everybody's got in their feelings at one point and you just have to sit back and say, the intention of this person was nothing more than they were bored and they just wanted to make me upset.

34:42.137 --> 34:51.468
[SPEAKER_01]: Unfortunately, there are people that take satisfaction out of so many different things and I think it becomes how I cannot control how others act or react.

34:51.808 --> 34:56.113
[SPEAKER_01]: I can only control how I act and react and sometimes I'm going to fall for it.

35:00.550 --> 35:16.961
[SPEAKER_01]: It's bigger than I could have anticipated and I wasn't able to control myself by that moment and sometimes I'm able to have my boundary with myself and just It's, you know, mastering yourself is one of the most difficult things you can do, right?

35:17.061 --> 35:18.402
[SPEAKER_00]: It really truly is, right?

35:20.432 --> 35:43.449
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't it's one of the reasons I started this show was because I had to ask myself was I using my full potential, was I exploring things that always made me curious, was I willing to step like I'm a social learner, I love to learn and I talk a lot, but I don't hang around a lot of peep right so I kind of have that duality where like when you see me I can talk a lot but I just don't I don't hang out with a lot of people that's just kind of who I am.

35:43.529 --> 35:44.870
[SPEAKER_00]: I've always kind of been that kind of person.

35:44.950 --> 35:45.070
[SPEAKER_00]: Like

35:45.310 --> 35:46.151
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't get lonely.

35:46.191 --> 35:47.592
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just like, man, I'm just for a shot.

35:47.652 --> 35:48.453
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I can't.

35:48.573 --> 35:49.273
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't have to.

35:49.614 --> 35:50.234
[SPEAKER_01]: Exactly.

35:50.374 --> 35:50.875
[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.

35:50.915 --> 35:55.018
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, hey, listen, you know, even in college, like, you know, like, I'm that, you know, I don't pass judgment.

35:55.038 --> 35:57.280
[SPEAKER_00]: If they really want to join for turning, like, nah, it's not for me.

35:57.700 --> 36:01.924
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just, it's not, I can't be around you all the time, right?

36:02.284 --> 36:03.945
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, so, but that's a different story.

36:03.985 --> 36:06.327
[SPEAKER_00]: I turned out, well, you know, life is good.

36:06.668 --> 36:09.490
[SPEAKER_00]: But, you know, but the show was my way of networking.

36:09.770 --> 36:20.519
[SPEAKER_00]: my show was my way of exploring and interacting because I knew that circle that I was going to get where the people that I truly wanted to talk to all the time, such as yourself.

36:21.420 --> 36:25.083
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I'm creating a space for what I want to hear.

36:25.243 --> 36:25.703
[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.

36:26.044 --> 36:26.444
[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.

36:26.564 --> 36:31.028
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I'm trying to follow your IAP model, you know.

36:34.102 --> 36:37.084
[SPEAKER_01]: But I mean, I love and I love to be able to have this conversation.

36:37.124 --> 36:42.688
[SPEAKER_01]: And the fact that it's not just that you created something for self, we've created a platform that allows for conversations for other people.

36:42.888 --> 36:43.768
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, thank you.

36:43.828 --> 36:45.709
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, to be able to have this space.

36:45.749 --> 36:58.157
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that that's wonderful creating platforms that gives voice to those and one of the reasons that my firm is called Advocate to Create is a way of you finding our own voice.

36:58.177 --> 37:02.180
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I lost my voice when I first moved to the US, but it didn't speak English.

37:03.764 --> 37:05.625
[SPEAKER_01]: couldn't communicate, couldn't interact.

37:05.685 --> 37:07.787
[SPEAKER_01]: And I felt like I lost my voice.

37:07.847 --> 37:09.129
[SPEAKER_01]: I couldn't talk to anybody.

37:09.229 --> 37:11.150
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was just really difficult.

37:11.251 --> 37:15.815
[SPEAKER_01]: And so finding my voice has been such an imperative thing.

37:15.835 --> 37:19.759
[SPEAKER_01]: And as a part of finding my voice, I had to knock out somebody asked what does that mean.

37:20.439 --> 37:25.464
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that finding my voice for me is I'm okay with being wrong exactly.

37:26.911 --> 37:27.871
[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.

37:28.211 --> 37:31.592
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I am also I don't need to be sassy.

37:31.933 --> 37:51.138
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't need to do low blows because they don't serve me and I'm fine with that and I think to help people find their voices Right, part of the IEP is like helping you identify like how come I am the way that I am and I do this this way and why am I constantly misunderstood.

37:52.362 --> 38:00.508
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, so what can I do differently and I'm constantly understood and what can I as a couple others so help understand me better.

38:00.648 --> 38:03.289
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely, and it's all about personal growth.

38:03.329 --> 38:07.893
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I always ask every guest that's not because they you need me, but for the purpose of this show.

38:07.913 --> 38:18.900
[SPEAKER_00]: To where can people find Dr. T advocate to create and, you know, all the, you know, therapy services that you have to offer because we've only touched on what you do in a very small segment.

38:19.064 --> 38:23.007
[SPEAKER_01]: So you can find me at AdvocateToCreate.com and the two is the number two.

38:23.167 --> 38:28.190
[SPEAKER_01]: We go by A to C for a short.

38:28.250 --> 38:31.393
[SPEAKER_01]: You can find me on Insta on Facebook or LinkedIn.

38:31.753 --> 38:35.415
[SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, if you go to AdvocateToCreate.com, you can find my book there.

38:35.596 --> 38:38.858
[SPEAKER_01]: Are you going to find different podcasts or I'm talking about different things?

38:39.198 --> 38:42.260
[SPEAKER_01]: You can do, I provide services on my assistant Florida.

38:42.280 --> 38:45.682
[SPEAKER_01]: So the correct therapy, I only do it in Florida.

38:45.742 --> 38:51.606
[SPEAKER_01]: But speaking, engagements, consultations, trainings, I do all around.

38:51.686 --> 38:53.467
[SPEAKER_01]: I do it all over for sure.

38:53.547 --> 38:54.608
[SPEAKER_01]: But that's how you can find me.

38:54.908 --> 39:00.089
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, and I think that I've always said this, you know, I drew a lot of people, but I need to follow up better on my end.

39:00.109 --> 39:13.972
[SPEAKER_00]: I really want to do a part too because I think that there's a lot of in-depth, you know, that more, you know, about some of the more serious things that you can help people with in a very professional way that, you know, only you would be more qualified to speak on them myself.

39:14.232 --> 39:17.633
[SPEAKER_00]: So I want to thank you for taking your time out of your busy schedule

39:18.593 --> 39:37.312
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, and I would love to go apart too with your I will share with you that I just started working on the second book that's awesome And yeah, hopefully we can do a shameless plug for all your books too because you know if there's so many you can help I saw you on Amazon five star reviews and your services speak for themselves So thank you very much for your time Appreciate it.

39:37.512 --> 39:37.873
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.

39:37.893 --> 39:41.677
[SPEAKER_00]: And keep up with the jujitsu because like I said anybody who's ever taken my guide is a hard style.

39:41.877 --> 39:42.037
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my

39:42.672 --> 39:44.353
[SPEAKER_01]: It's the gummats and the garage.

39:44.613 --> 39:54.837
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my gosh, yeah, I mean, like you know, in like the funny part about you, Jitsu coming from karate, right, and I respect all martial arts, but it was hard as a karate practitioner to transition to that because.

39:55.996 --> 40:14.772
[SPEAKER_00]: you can see like when something's happening can karate like because you're still standing up people like what what is what is that person doing and then next you know you're down there and you're just drowning right and then you're like yeah it's nap time sleep nap time sleep right and you're like you see those little funky stars and you're like whoa I got tapped out right

40:15.132 --> 40:21.093
[SPEAKER_00]: Or when somebody wraps their legs around you and you're like, I can't move this person off of me and I cannot believe this.

40:21.413 --> 40:27.114
[SPEAKER_01]: If there's one thing with the judges, so that I really do like it's for it's the little not strong guy, right?

40:27.134 --> 40:28.415
[SPEAKER_01]: So because it's not about strength.

40:28.795 --> 40:31.955
[SPEAKER_01]: And if there's some like, I love lifting weights.

40:32.036 --> 40:34.696
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I might mental health is a lot like going to the gym.

40:35.016 --> 40:40.517
[SPEAKER_01]: And the harder it is is when you're doing it right, and your judges are not going to apply.

40:40.657 --> 40:43.998
[SPEAKER_00]: There's no way or treadmill that can apply to that, right?

40:44.258 --> 40:48.719
[SPEAKER_00]: The only thing that teaches you is physical discipline to get to that.

40:48.839 --> 40:55.842
[SPEAKER_00]: But when I started actually training in it and I haven't been there in a while, because life happens, but like, I haven't been there about two months.

40:56.182 --> 40:59.083
[SPEAKER_00]: When I first went there, it was the most eye-opening experience.

40:59.103 --> 41:03.504
[SPEAKER_00]: But I kind of should have known because I did judo and college for a semester, right?

41:03.764 --> 41:07.485
[SPEAKER_00]: But like, I was like, oh my god, I'm getting absolutely murdered here.

41:07.825 --> 41:08.466
[SPEAKER_00]: But I love it.

41:08.826 --> 41:10.446
[SPEAKER_00]: I absolutely love it, right?

41:10.586 --> 41:12.367
[SPEAKER_00]: It's weird to call to me.

41:13.567 --> 41:18.140
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, hey, somewhere between Detroit and Florida were connected by martial arts, so thank you.

41:18.200 --> 41:21.791
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yes, Dr. T, I appreciate your time.

41:21.971 --> 41:22.814
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much.